Because I am so lucky !
Most of the time , people come to me and say 'You are so lucky'. As a matter of fact, these are my most peaceful days. This year has been very lucky for me regarding work, emotional health and social acceptance. Since last few months or may be after my recent trip to Europe, I have found peace inside me. There is nobody dragging me to do chores in high fever. There is no one screaming at me, there is no one humiliating me in a house full of guests. There is no one demeaning my existence. I have not been groped on streets since last couple of years. I am not working day and night to make my ends meet. I am not worried about my safety and security in my own house. But it all feel so awkward and unfamiliar. I feel as if one day I will wake up from this dream back to my darkest days.
It has been a struggle of survivor for a very long time, almost two decades as much as I remember. My first memory of this world is a gruesome game which he played several times and there was no one to protect me. Although I tried telling being a very expressive and talkative child but she was not interested in any kind of my well being. I was twelve and having very high fever. She dragged me from the bed around midnight to the kitchen in front of a sink full of dishes , dishes saved for me from all day. This was only one episode and one night, there were several horrid nights like this. I cried my heart out while washing those dishes not because of the dizziness and headache due to fever. Because I wanted her to care for me and love me. And I wanted him to speak up for me but he stood there , quiet as if he is not present. Although my grandmother screamed at her, shouted at her in my favour but she couldn't do much. There was not a single day when there was no such episode. When I grew up and understood my value in front of them, I waited for the new episode every single day. I am still not ready to share all those days, but I want to let it out all of my system. Why ? What's the need? Its my past not my present. Because once I rescued myself , it took more years to be accepted in this society where parents care for their children mostly. If they don't, we don't question the parents, we question the child and in the end a messed up grown up. You don't get to make friends that easily. You are not sure about others' reactions about a situation which is not under your control. I had to suffer several breakdowns all by myself. Off course, first of all these problems then how to make a respectful living then how to face all of it with a smile then how to deal with your traditional surroundings where people care more about your status, checking a list of stereotypical values. I have put checks to all these requirements, I have justified myself enough to not explain my existence. I do not care about any of this now a days. But this all have happened and it has caused a great deal of pain. It has taken so many years of my life to feel as peaceful as I am today. I have learned to accept this void inside me with patience, strength and a faith that this life is not permanent.
Abuse doesn't stop when it stops physically, it leaves scars on your soul. There are several stages of coming out of such situations. It causes trauma, PTSD, panic attacks and anxiety. It consumes you physically , emotionally and mentally.Later, when you see other mothers taking care of their daughters, bragging about their achievements in social gatherings, supporting their daughters no matter how old they are. You live with this void your whole life when yours chose not to. It's a pattern , if you don't get something like this, you don't get it your whole life. Still, I am grateful for my peaceful days when most of my wishes came true besides some. I am grateful for this strength which made me through all of those darker days. I myself cannot look back that easily. I am not ashamed of not being loved and cared because it has never been my fault. I do not explain myself today and I am very much comfortable in my own skin. And yes, sometimes I do laugh at those who
thinks 'I got it all easy'. Most of all, I have those friends who accepts and respects me for who I am. I do love myself for who I am from the beginning and this is the only thing that matters. If you want to be lucky too.. Have faith and work your hardest !
It has been a struggle of survivor for a very long time, almost two decades as much as I remember. My first memory of this world is a gruesome game which he played several times and there was no one to protect me. Although I tried telling being a very expressive and talkative child but she was not interested in any kind of my well being. I was twelve and having very high fever. She dragged me from the bed around midnight to the kitchen in front of a sink full of dishes , dishes saved for me from all day. This was only one episode and one night, there were several horrid nights like this. I cried my heart out while washing those dishes not because of the dizziness and headache due to fever. Because I wanted her to care for me and love me. And I wanted him to speak up for me but he stood there , quiet as if he is not present. Although my grandmother screamed at her, shouted at her in my favour but she couldn't do much. There was not a single day when there was no such episode. When I grew up and understood my value in front of them, I waited for the new episode every single day. I am still not ready to share all those days, but I want to let it out all of my system. Why ? What's the need? Its my past not my present. Because once I rescued myself , it took more years to be accepted in this society where parents care for their children mostly. If they don't, we don't question the parents, we question the child and in the end a messed up grown up. You don't get to make friends that easily. You are not sure about others' reactions about a situation which is not under your control. I had to suffer several breakdowns all by myself. Off course, first of all these problems then how to make a respectful living then how to face all of it with a smile then how to deal with your traditional surroundings where people care more about your status, checking a list of stereotypical values. I have put checks to all these requirements, I have justified myself enough to not explain my existence. I do not care about any of this now a days. But this all have happened and it has caused a great deal of pain. It has taken so many years of my life to feel as peaceful as I am today. I have learned to accept this void inside me with patience, strength and a faith that this life is not permanent.
Abuse doesn't stop when it stops physically, it leaves scars on your soul. There are several stages of coming out of such situations. It causes trauma, PTSD, panic attacks and anxiety. It consumes you physically , emotionally and mentally.Later, when you see other mothers taking care of their daughters, bragging about their achievements in social gatherings, supporting their daughters no matter how old they are. You live with this void your whole life when yours chose not to. It's a pattern , if you don't get something like this, you don't get it your whole life. Still, I am grateful for my peaceful days when most of my wishes came true besides some. I am grateful for this strength which made me through all of those darker days. I myself cannot look back that easily. I am not ashamed of not being loved and cared because it has never been my fault. I do not explain myself today and I am very much comfortable in my own skin. And yes, sometimes I do laugh at those who
thinks 'I got it all easy'. Most of all, I have those friends who accepts and respects me for who I am. I do love myself for who I am from the beginning and this is the only thing that matters. If you want to be lucky too.. Have faith and work your hardest !
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